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hole-hearted Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "nunca_otra_vez" journal:

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March 31st, 2005
10:43 pm

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i did something im not sure i should have last night.
it involved a 1/2 a fifth of tequilla, an ex boyfriend, and me waking up not knowing where i was or where the hell my shirt was.
interesting. interesting indeed.

i cant stop laughing at this

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March 16th, 2005
08:41 am

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i never get around to this thing anymore.

speed update!!!!:

-someone left me a flower on my locker and a little note. but it didnt say who it was from. either way it made my day.

-i appologized to anothony (i know, very not like me) and i think things are cool now. im glad. i dont like having ill feelings out there.

-i need to drop oral communications. im failing.

-i missed my midterms. and i was sober that week.

-i started smoking pot again. its the only way to keep my stomach from being a bitch anymore.

-after finding out exactly how much of a dirty dirty skank nate is (the last ex) i went and got tested. for everything. i hope he gets cancer and it hurts real bad.

-im going to be late for work!

Current Mood: anxiousanxious

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February 21st, 2005
11:24 pm

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i fucking hate livejournal. i cant pinpoint it, but something about it makes me want to throw up.
unfrotunately, i can find any of my journals. which is no good. no good what-so-ever. i dont have time to go digging through everything i own however, so i say fuck it. livejournal it is.

im so tired. so incredibly worn down. but i cant sleep. everytime i close my eyes the thoughts come. tearing my brain apart. making my heart race. my stomach ache. ive been doing research for my oral communication paper, and at the same time trying to figure out what i can do to make myself better. to help ease the insanity. but if my depakote level is raised anymore its not safe. and i dont want to start any new drugs and deal with the possibility, actually, probability of side-effects. i know i need to eat healthier but the pills make me hungry constantly. not to mention quitting smoking. its a total catch 22 and i fucking hate it. so not only am i sleep deprived, getting fatter, in pain all the time, but im starting to become a real bitch.
fuck.
and i feel like such a whiney bastard for all of this. but what the hell. i suck it up all day and dont say a god damn thing about it. pretend everythings dandy. and at night i just want to tear my eyes out and scream at the top of my lungs and just stop giving a fuck for five seconds about everything.

maybe tonight should be that night.

Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated

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February 20th, 2005
09:13 pm

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this week has been entirely fucked.

i got in another car accident. long story short i have to pay 20% of the damages to my car even though i wasnt even in motion when she hit me.

ive been having anxiety attacks again. pretty badly. and having thoughts i dont think i should be.
i fucking hate having this god damn disorder. why do i have to deal with the burden and the weight of these thoughts for fear of what someone else would think of me if i said them.
thats the funny thing about most people. theyre so fucking blind. and even if they could see, theyd be absolutely horrified.

i feel this need to find someone. not someone to marry, but someone that i could. it occured to me that the guys i date are of no real interest. i never truely feel comfortable with them. i dont really even care.
i do admitt anthony was different. i did give a shit. i have thought about writing him. apologizing for the way things were... the way they are. but i dont think he could forget. and i dont know if i really could either. i just hate having ill feelings out there.
it seems so trivial to hate when theres so many more important matters at hand.

like being happy.

ive still been talking to the guy in florida. it seems completely insane to me. to have feelings for someone so far away. that ive never met. and dont know if i ever will. and if i did, what would become of us then? so many unanswered questions. but i actually FEEL for him. when i hear his voice is makes my stomach flutter. the little messages he sends, his words, make my heart feel like it may explode with joy.
from a distance he makes me happy.

Current Music: led zeppelin

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February 14th, 2005
09:55 pm

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last night i woke up and said 'i love you', not realizing that the person in my bed wasnt the person that was meant for. luckily he was asleep.

im so confused.



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February 10th, 2005
10:31 pm

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i have the worst headache ever. it probably has something to do with this 'tmj' bullshit the dentist said i have. ive been grinding my teeth excessively as of late so im not doubting it at all.
it hurts to chew. it hurts to move my neck. it just fucking hurts.
ugh.
migraine. oh how i hate thee...

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February 6th, 2005
04:34 am

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update:
-work is fun
-lack of sleep is breaking me
-i think i failed a test, i mean really failed it, for the first time ever
-i feel empty
-i broke up with nate
-im just as confused as ever
-i dont know if i can do this and i scares the hell out of me

at this point im in such a state of emotion that i cannot even describe. i want to sleep but dont have time. i need to work but its killing my grades. my art is suffering. my social life is null and void. i dont know what im doing anymore.


fuck fuck fuck.

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January 29th, 2005
02:00 pm

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everythings moving so fast right now.
i find myself in a relationship.
i find myself with a full time job.
i find myself struggling to finish my sculpture on time.
i find myself not knowing whether to scream, cry, or just sit back and smile.


i find myself cutting my hair alot.

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January 27th, 2005
02:52 am

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tired. very very tired. to the point of heightened paranoia and hallucinations.
i think theres something wrong with me. well, something more than usual. no matter how much sleep i get i feel like shit. im eating well. with the exception of the ocassional trip to ihop, but hey, i never pay so cant turn it down. ive been running 3 miles a day to try and tone up and keep 'the molson' under control. so wierd. im trying to get off the damn sleeping pills now since i might be taking a 9-5 job but its not working so well. obviously. ugh.

hung out with ihop guy tonight. it was fun. its odd because i find myself thinking that hes overly nice.or overly sweet. something. but isnt that a good thing? why the crap are the assholes always so much more appealing?!?!?! so annoying. but yeah. this guy makes me happy. well see.

sleep time. interview tomorrow at vintage stock. yay for money. wish me luck. i need it.

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January 25th, 2005
03:10 am

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heart stepped on again? yes.
drunk? you bet.
going to cry? more than likely.

but things have taken an upward turn even still.
got a job offer. doing secretarial work with a very chill guy. casual dress mainly, anwering phones, research, the usual shit i love doing anyways. very good.
after having heart stabbed with a spork went to ihop for some crepes and met a guy. strange enough i know. we talked for awhile, i laid out that i dont put up with bullshit and expect to be treated with respect and he still asked me for my number so i give him a high five for that. now if he actually calls... well keep our fingers crossed.

been running the past couple of days. i really want to lose this god damn weight but its so hard. 15 pounds and ill shuttup. maybe 20. well just say a 28 inch waist. then ill shuttup. i feel like a lard ass even if i dont look like it. i know its from not smoking but if its semi-fat or cancer ill take the sandwich please.

drunk. sleep. now. night.

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